Okay so....I bet many people in the world would say I'm blessed with the life I have and that I should listen to the people around me because they know what life is really like but really, if they were in my shoes and had to deal with half the things I deal with on a daily basis WOULD THEY say the same thing?
Confused? Well then keep reading in my ranting of a journal.
I am a full time college student majoring in Fine Arts and soon switching to another form of art who lives with her twin sister and grandfather. I've never done drugs, gotten drunk ((even though I'm 21)) or even had sex. Yes I'm a virgin, go figure? My mother was 17 when she had my twin sister and me and I've always said I'm not having sex till I'm married so I wouldn't end up with the life; the sad life that she lives. I'm in college trying to get a better education that my mother never got.
Still confused some what? Keep reading
My whole life I've been sheltered from the real world. Not they whole "ohh I'm a princess in a tower" type of sheltered but as for how the world works, I'm a bit naive about. This wasn't my choice, my sister and I were raised to be this way. From early on I have jumped between houses of my grandfather and grandmother till I was 8 years old, when my grandmother got full custody so we went from going to grandpa's where our mother, aunt and almost every uncle lived in, to a home with to very heavy drinkers who liked to yell and fight with each other. Yes the yelling was also done on us too when it involved cleaning and keeping our room clean but thats normal child behavior. What kid wants to clean their room?
So because our grandmother yelled at us for almost anything when she was either drunk or in a mood; we have been dubbed verbally abused children. Keep reading my ranting isn't over.
Now...fast forward to my teen years. Big life changer. My grandmother who had recently adopted us decided to life a trailer, like the ones that carry lawn mowers when its a moving grass company, by herself and had a massive stroke because of it. A few weeks later she died. So now are we not verbally abused children, were orphans!
...Still not the issue. Its what happened after this that made me write this...and I've been holding this in for almost 7 years so yes its a little long winded.
We went to live with our aunt after this since we couldn't really live by ourselves....and at first it was okay. Then as it got longer and we chose to live with her for finance purpose, she started to try and control us. Anything we did was wrong, or not good enough and she'd yell at us call us "Bitch" and brats, she even went as far as blaming our grandmothers death on us several times.
How is this different from the life before you ask? Well here's a little insight to what kind of teenager I was and still am. I am naturally quiet, shy and usually keep to myself unless I'm with my friends who know me. I lived on the computer but not in the chatting way more of the manga, fanfiction and Gaia Online. So as a teenager I was a BLESSING to most teens.
I didn't defy anyone till I was 17 years old and even then that was considered wrong to my aunt who demanded respect.
She says that I cannot interrupt her when she speaks, that we talk to her like a dog and treat her worse then shit. This aunt likes to hover close, sufficate you by coming over or trying to spend every waking moment with you, then when you try to learn about the world; pulls you back into the little safety zone and then goes around and cuss you out or yell at you when you do what she deems wrong...like I stated earlier.
So...when I was 19...she moved away to "Better educated herself so she could strive for a better life"...... quite frankly I don't see it happening for several personal reasons I won't share.
Now I live with my grandfather, who only cooks and does the dishes. The rest of the housework falls on my twin and me, which I HATE to do...but I will do it. He drives us to school and the movies when we have the money to go. Thats all he does for us because thats all we want him to do. I don't have the money for a active party life so I don't go out a lot.
My aunt and mother on the other hand drive his car more then him, take it when they please and try to control it.
Now guess what my mother and aunts favorite topic is. My grandfather dying and leaving my sister and I alone in the world. That's their favorite topic, oh and they also like to talk about moving in ALL TOGETHER!!!
FUCK NO. My mother likes....questionable things and lets anyone into her house. And my aunt is over controlling and likes it her way. And my little sisters have no sense of the word "NO!" and seem to think that since its in the house that it's theirs or they can take it when they please. And thats not even getting on their smart ass attitudes...
Today my mother had mentioned getting a car for herself from the taxes she'll be getting back. This woman only works for a few weeks a year to get her taxes and lives off my baby sisters disability check/ child support from their father. She also promises and promises that she'll do this and she rarely goes through with it. <- That only affects my sister and me, she promises and never comes through.
So I truthfully told her that I'll believe it when I see it. This causes her and my aunt to go and say we'll learn the hard way of life and rant on and on about my grandfather slowly dying.
I don't need this in my life. Its extra drama added to my already stressful living. I wake up with a headache every day, am bleeding in my brain that causes grand mal seizures or migraines and I can't deal with stress well. So basically I live everyday with pain that never goes away in my head and have school stress. Also I don't work...which is apparently not a good thing and should be working full time while going to school according to my uncle >.>
And yes this may sound like an excuse but...I can't work when my head is killing me and the medication doesn't work half the time. Hell I failed a class last term because I had a migraine from 12 days.
If you have read this far...and if you haven't I don't blame you because its very long winded and I'm not the best writer. Tell me your opinion? Am I an ungrateful bitch because I wish that my grandmother never died so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit? Or am I sad and pathetic?
You know...I sometimes wonder if this life is worth living... Not that I'm going to kill myself because I do realize that sounds suicidal but what I mean is.... Should I go through with my plan to move to Alaska and stay away from the drama my family causes?
you already know all this shit, since your my twin and don't worry about this. I'm just ranting 7 years of stress.